Now I have voiced my opinion in the past about the obesity seminar I went to at a local Keene Hospital a few years ago and how I felt like it was  a cattle herd to make a lot of money. I still do believe in the lapband procedure though. I just don’t want to feel like cattle being rounded up to earn the hospital a shit load of money.  I am sick of being obese. I can find no benefit of being so. I find that I even though I have worked very hard to find inner peace with myself, I cannot come to terms with my best friend telling me he likes me more than a friend. Why can’t I just accept it? Because I never knew that he liked me, even though he has said it a few times, I always thought he said things to make me feel good.  I find it hard to be around my friends who have recently lost weight and all they can do is talk about how disgusting they felt.  Fortunately, I don’t let that self-hate seep in.  But I do know that my thought processes when it comes to relationships are warped because of my fat. I always feel that people approach fat women from a perspective of what can I get out of her by using her need to be wanted?  If I eliminate that factor, I can no longer go down that path.

Ultimately, I am tired of being in pain all the time because I have a sciatic nerve that kills my back all the time. That I have a slip disc that tightens up, that my ankles swell, that I can’t indulge in my true passion for fashion, and the killer shoes that are in my closet because I can’t even bare to stand in them.  I no longer identify as a fat person. I feel that a lot of people identify themselves with exterior things and define themselves by that. For example, my mother defined herself as a smoker. Some people define themselves as a fat and state that they will always be fat. That is just not good enough for me.  I smoked. I liked to smoke a lot. But, I realized that I liked breathing a whole hell of a lot more.  I did not define myself as a smoker and I refuse to define myself a a fat girl any longer.

I do not like the feeling of being choked every time I put my seat belt on in my car.  I don’t like the feeling of wedging my fat thighs and ass into an office chair that feels like it’s going to break at any second. I do not like feeling that my stomach takes up my entire body and how it looks when I sit down. I do not like that I cannot bend comfortably when I wear jeans.  And I especially don’t like feeling invisible.  My blog has been a representation of who I am from the get go. I talk about my honest opinions about products I use and clothing I like and about my feelings of having excess fat on my body.  I talk about how I don’t like society’s message to us, and I can recognize how this seems like a contradiction.  Being fat is not like being gay in the sense that you cannot change being gay. You can be bisexual and attracted to both sexes, but you can’t be bi-fat. There is no swinging pendulum going from one to the other. Either you are fat or you are a natural weight for your body’s frame.

This past weekend I went to NYC for the feast San Gennaro. Naturally this is all about eating lol. What I did eat was about 5 deep fried oreos and a sausage and broccoli rabe wedge. The rest of it is about walking up and down the whole of Mulberry St. in Little Italy. I was sweating and exhausted by the time we got through with one half of the street and walking our way up through China town. It was the most uncomfortable I have felt in my own skin in a very very long time.  So now I just have to wait and see once my insurance kicks in and then I will start my journey down that path.

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I also started to feel chest pains. Luckily within the last two days these have subsided. But I will say that I have been motivated to take matters into my own hands once again. I am not ever saying that someone should do anything against seeing a medical professional. I am only documenting what I can do given that I have no insurance coverage and I know that there are things that I can change that even if I go to a health professional, they are going to tell me the same things anyway. I figure I will save myself the $250 plus lab work haha. Bottom line is, I just don’t have it.

A couple of years ago I had heard about how we have bacteria in our bodies, and some people such as those who are obese are prone to having more of these bacteria. So I decided to do a little probing into this. I recently purchased a Candida cleanse/diet ebook from a website but I cannot remember what the site is called for the life of me.  In the book, the author indicates there is a simply test you can do to determine whether or not you have an over abundant growth of yeast in your body. Now for me this just makes sense. I think a lot of women at some point in their lives have had to deal with a yeast infection caused by something disrupting the natural balance of things. That’s the key, natural balance. See we have yeast in our bodies at all times but we normally have other kinds of probiotics in our intestinal tracts and other areas where yeast lives and they help keep things in check and in balance.

I don’t believe that achieving a permanent weight loss is simply a two-pronged attack. I have never thought this.  I have always felt that there are many factors to consider when losing weight. I think a lot of those things are looked at with organizations like overeaters-anonymous. They tend to look at your psychological reasons as to why you over eat as well as other factors. I am convinced at this time that there is a need to get things back into balance with my own body. Particularly because I find that when I have no choice but to eat unhealthy foods my body wants more of them and then I go completely out of control with cravings and urges for those kind of foods. I have seen this become prevalent within myself in the last 4 months.  It’s out of control and I wish to stop it only it is very difficult.  So I decided to get some acidophilus pills to take every day to help re-balance the probiotics in my digestive system.  I have also started a salt-water cleanse to help clean out the colon.  Once I am complete with that next week, I am going to give myself a gall bladder/liver cleanse and do my best to eradicate junk that’s in my body and give it what it really needs. Once I get myself all going with those I am going to buy a full probiotic system that will replenish all of the good “flora” in my digestive tract.

A lot of this comes from wanting to change my spiritual practice as well. Seeing what things cause what to happen in our bodies which block our intuition and connectedness with our higher selves. Understanding what contributes to us being disconnected.  So it’s just one line in my attack for this life-long battle of the bulge.  There has to be a strategy that involves different solutions, not just limiting your intake of calories and our output of energy expended. I do believe these are crucial, I just don’t think they are the sum of the whole.  Finally, here is an article that gives some insight into what kind of bacterias might be culprits on defeat with the obesity battle.  Intestinal bacteria could be a contributor to being fat.

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Just a run down of what’s been going on in my life, a little of this and that and THANK YOU to all of the people who have commented and subscribed to me and made me getting youtube partner a possibility. Here is to a more focused direction in 2011

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I have been thinking to myself about these sites tonight. In fact I had been thinking about them for months and had come to the decision six months ago that I was going to become the person that attracts the type of man that I want to meet and have in my life.  So I guess you can say that my quest to lose weight and change my body and overall life was to be the best person I could be to offer to another person so that I would be attractive to better quality men.

By going about my research tonight, some things became apparently clear to me. For starters the reason that I keep feeling disappointed about the prospects on these specific dating sites is that because all of the plus size dating websites that I researched all had lower demographics. Most were less affluent as opposed to match.com members who are in the more affluent category.  Also a majority of the people on the plus size dating sites were not college educated. I can’t really say much there because I myself did not complete any college course of study. But it does give you a good idea of why things are such a let down.

The average percentage of members who are more affluent on these sites is a significant amount less and once you divide that between men and women, it becomes a very small percentage of men in a higher demographic interested in dating women of size. I’m not advocating that anybody go out and change their lives just to catch a man. I am just throwing out some facts that I have collected tonight. In fact, you may have a much better chance of meeting someone of a higher quality by using a site like match.com.

So I don’t necessarily have the answers for anyone but myself but I do know that there are certain facts that have come to light that I just cannot ignore when it comes to how more affluent men view fat women and their own life goals, demographic, and what they are pursuing in a partner.  Having those things at your disposal means you can have a better life, a better mate, and a better everything. At least that is the perception.  It makes me do a lot of sole searching and deep thinking and truly deciding what it is that I really want for myself.

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