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I’ve decided that after giving myself the opportunity to scale back some of my obligations and just kind of dump them or sell them off as much as I could I feel a lot better about my work load. So now I’m going to tackle all of my webmastering from a different perspective and manage my time better. Sometimes all you need is the feeling that you are free from having to do something and it can change any negative feelings you might have been having about something. This blog was always important to me and I like writing in it, I have just been burned out for so long. I’m feeling good again just giving myself the break I needed and I’ll be back in full force very soon.

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New Plus size chic has come to Kiyonna.com this week. There are all new arrivals over at one of my favorite plus size boutiques and they are looking very feminine and very practical to wear anywhere. The clothes are flattering to all of the big curves of a plus size woman and they do not forget for one second that we are sexy women.

Jersey Bellini Wrap $62.00

Sadie Ruched Top $68.00

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So this morning I went to bed really late like 6:30am or something and I woke up at 1:30pm. I was up talking to Mike for a little bit and then went to just relax in bed and listen to an audio cd that I have been trying to find the time to hear again. It was an up and down kind of day, but around 8:00pm I hear loud banging at my front door. Scared the bejeebies out of me so I’m like ok who is it? It’s the police. I’m like the police for what? They certainly sounded aggressive so there was no way that I was going to be like yea wait a minute officer so I had to open the door in my nightie. Turns out they were looking for some guy who gave MY physical address as his address. Umm ok, I’ve lived here for six years and you all just gave me a heart attack, thanks bye!!  So much for my R&R for today, I’m going to have to sage my house and make all the bad juju go away.

I really want to get some good fiction to read. The last book I bought that was just supposed to be a light fluff read for me was this book called “Such a pretty Fat”. I have to say I’m a bit annoyed with it. The inner monologue that the main character has with herself is constantly about food. But not just about food, it’s about oh just the perfect smidge of this and a touch of that… blahhhhh it felt like I was reading a fat version of Ratatouille. I’ve heard the Twilight books are supposed to be good, I might have to check them out. I would love for Anne Rice to create another series. I loved the Mayfair witches and the Vampires, so sexy and decadent. I used to love Clive Barker books so much as well. I just want a book I can fall in love with. The last time a book pulled me in it was The Davinci Code. I dunno, the right one will come at the right time and then I will be happy.

Anyway, it’s about 3:40am and I’m off to the grocery store for some essentials lol. I love shopping in the middle of the night and have the entire store to myself. Ohhh and another thing, Nadia weighs 15lbs she’s a spoiled kitteh. Gotta figure out how I’m going to get her to lose hmm probably about 3lbs if I can. Ok gotta fly.

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Man I don’t know, I just don’t like the way I physically feel at a particular weight. A few years ago during an occupational mishap lol I somehow slipped a disc out in my back. it never really bothered me much(was more like a tight feeling) until I really beefed up and packed on a bunch of weight that I had lost plus 35 extra pounds. That put me at 335lbs at my top weight. It made it impossible for me to walk more than 100ft without using something to rest on. I started to feel like I was losing a lot of my dignity because every day things were becoming hard. Like breathing, sleeping, getting off of the couch by rolling off being my only option, sex became difficult, swollen ankles and feet every day, sciatica, hygiene and flexibility issues. I don’t know but for me these were deal breakers between me and this extra fat. My quality of life was going downhill and the fatter I got, the quicker it was happening.

I’m 5′2″ and the women in my family are known to have blood clots and hyper tension, this weight puts a strain on this body. I’ve been up and down the scale, my lowest being 190lbs and physical activities were a lot easier. I got fed up with being 330lbs. I’m still fat and am currently at 295lbs and my body is really starting to feel more comfortable. The problems with my swollen ankles and feet have gone away and the exasperated issue with my lower back is practically gone. I can walk again with ease. I’m starting to fit into the clothes that I love once again.

I’ve always been somewhat of a clothes horse and playing with my style. I love clothes and fashion. I decided back in March to go on Alli. It’s really been a good thing for me and I lost 40lbs with relative ease and unless I knowingly eat something that has too much fat I don’t have issues.  I have been paying for a gym membership since December and hadn’t been going. Once I got down to 305lbs I started going to the gym three days a week and walking on the treadmill for an hour. On the days that I don’t go to the gym I work out at home for about 45 minutes with a walk at home dvd. I will admit that I have slacked off for about three weeks because of various obligations and other reasons that I shall not go into here but I no longer beat myself up for falling off the wagon. I am still taking my Alli every day and my weight maintains itself. Once I pick up the activity again the weight will start dropping very quickly once again.

I’m not following what society tells me to do. I’m not following what the community tells me to do. Why? Because I feel in all honestly that I don’t agree with either viewpoint. Again… follower or leader? I don’t want to follow anybody else except my inner self and what it tells me to do for my own life and it does not affect anyone else. I say wherever you are at in life be happy. If you are 400, 500, 600lbs and feel good then be happy and stay like that if it makes you happy. If you are 105, 135, 155lbs and you feel good then be happy and stay like that too. If not then do something about it and change it, do NOT let others tell you to stay how you are because ultimately they do not know how you are feeling inside. Only you can know that with 100% positivity. I don’t recommend that anyone who is 105lbs try and get themselves any less than that. I mean more of coming to terms with your body, mentally. I’m 35 and life is not going backwards for anyone that I know of and it’s time to embrace the rest of my life and make it the best that I can and that is why I am doing what I’m doing, it’s only serving me. It’s my life and we only get one of those as well as only one body. Nobody is going to make my life better or worse, I’m the one who is in charge of that ship. I do not want to be a hypocrite just to make money as a BBW and me catering to particular fetishes was hypocritical for me. LOL So there I said it before anyone decides to point the finger at me.

Just remember whichever group does get in your ear, they want their numbers to increase to have more power behind their mission and if you are going to go along with any community make sure it has a mentally healthy mindset about the issues it is backing and promoting.

Things I love right now:

Orange Tictacs

Tootsie Rolls

Grilled chicken Gyros with Tzatziki

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Audio Books

Journaling

Blogging

Web Design

My fluffy kitties

LOLCATZ

Youtube

Method

Clothes, shoes and handbags baby!!!

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Retro Mod Style Dress

Ooh meow. This is a very nice dress for fall. The style and the pattern really make you look a lot more curvy and I prefer this color over some of the others that are available but hey everyone’s taste is different.

Camilla wrap around dress

The new Camilla wrap around dress has me drooling. I just love the colors and the feminine lettuce leaf ruffle around the neck line which makes this wrap-around stand apart from others. I have to say, I bought the black trench dress last month from Igigi and the clothes fit remarkably well. They are really cut to fit a plus size body. And I’m sure most of us are familiar with poorly cut clothing that is too small for ample hips and curves.

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Ok so I thought I would just try to mix it up here with my entries and write a little more personally and not make it all about the clothes. after all this is my plus size life in my plus size world isn’t it? So let me start by saying that it’s not like I’m newly single because I have been single for a very long time, but now that the person I was involved with has decided to pursue other pastures I’m looking for new ways to have meaningful relationships. I think my biggest mistake from when I started socializing up here in New England was relying on BBW Dances to meet men who were looking for something significant. Because the truth is on the whole, they’re not. It’s not to knock the dances because they are good for what they do and that is give a lot of women who don’t feel comfortable a place to have fun and mingle with men who like them. I have made a conscious choice to not attend any more of these singles events. I have to honestly say that I have never felt that BBW dating sites have any better proven track record. So then what is a single BBW to do?

I don’t know, stand her ground I suppose? I can honestly say that there have been times in my life when I have been lonely and wanted someone. But you know what? I don’t want someone there just to fill my void of being alone. I want someone that is going to be just as excited as waking up next to me in the morning as I am for him. I am looking for that person who I can teach my skills to and share my business ideas with and find ways to create income for ourselves and build our own life and future. Someone who can bring their knowledge to the mix as well and we can compliment each other and become a team. My busy little head is constantly brimming with ideas and I want to bring them all to life.

I’m not saying that being single is great, yay woo hooo let’s all be single lol!! I’m saying that being single doesn’t mean it has to be depressing or desperate. I’ve done the whole if you can’t beat em, join em thing. It really didn’t work for me, and that was because the inner me was saying, “hey Nicole, you don’t want this for yourself”. They rejected me and that gave me time to see It really had nothing to do with how I feel about the person. It was that ultimately, their choices for their life did not compliment mine and therefore trying to convince myself that I could accept their choice of lifestyle and willing to join them in their decline, I really was not prepared to do. There is a reason why our parents say to us, “if all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too”. I do my best not to be a Lemming and I have been ridiculed for it and I have been hurt as a result of it as well. But the fact remains that for every time I have stood my ground my life stopped declining. Every time one of those people left my life, my life improved. They will not dictate how my life goes.

So as a single BBW what am I going to do? I’m going to be done with the singles BBW dating scene and just enjoy my life as it is. If something happens that puts me in a place of meeting someone who has character and integrity then maybe I will give them a second look. For now I’m going to forgive and release myself from any unmet expectations by those who lack compassion towards others and only operate from a lack perspective. I know that for me, the world is not lacking at all.

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