The last time I wrote in this blog I talked about weight loss surgery. That is something that is still on the table. In fact, I’ve already started going through all of the prerequisite doctor’s appointments and meetings with nutritionists and psychologist etc. There are just a few more things that I have to do and then I’m all set. I am also going to have to start a six month weight loss before I can get my operation scheduled but that’s typical and I’m getting it started now. It’s going to be a challenge but I know I can do it. The good thing is that I only have to lose 5% of my total body weight within that time frame so it’s a very achievable. The only hard part is waiting 6 more months as this is something that I have wanted to do for a very long time. I just didn’t think I would ever have the chance because in my mind I couldn’t see my life changing when I was stuck in New Hampshire all those years.

Now the opportunity is here. Honestly though, it’s a good thing that I started the whole procedure because I’ve started developing some issues with sleep apnea, I have borderline hypertension, my lower extremities swell every day and I’m just always tired and in pain. Everyday I have chest pains. I don’t tell anyone about it because I’m not one to dwell on not feeling well. This is in fact the first time I am openly talking about it aside from with my doctor. My legs, ankles and feet hurt every day. My back is getting worse and as a result my feet go numb. There have been days that I haven’t been able to walk up the stairs because of having no feeling in them. There are definitely good and legitimate reasons for me to go through with this and ultimately yes I want to be a normal size person. It’s something that I have never had in my life and as a result has held me back from things even though I’ve done my best to be a fierce fat girl.

Yes, in my twenties I rocked it. Any cute clothes I could get my hands on I bought. I always had my hair done and makeup on. I had a good share of male attention and for most of my thirties I ran a plus size paysite of my own. I’ve made the best of the hand that I was dealt when it has come to my body. At the end of the day I want to live and I want to live a long life. There is a lot that I have yet to experience and there is so much that I want to do. I don’t want to live a life full of physical pain or even worse, die young.  Take a good look on the internet or anywhere you can. Do you know what you don’t see? You don’t see old fat people. Sure you might see a few here and there but they are the exception. People who are morbidly obese do not live long lives. They just don’t!  I’m not going to be one of those fat paysite girls who ate and gained herself to death. Finally, I’m really tired of the loser men who date or sleep with fat women. They have nothing to offer. You don’t see wealthy men or successful dating fat women. Why? Because those men don’t have to. So this is not about caving in and letting Madison Ave. dictate to me what my body size should be and that’s all there is to it.

I’m worth more and I’m definitely deserving of better. 

Follow my daily life at TheNicoleShow.com

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Now I have voiced my opinion in the past about the obesity seminar I went to at a local Keene Hospital a few years ago and how I felt like it was  a cattle herd to make a lot of money. I still do believe in the lapband procedure though. I just don’t want to feel like cattle being rounded up to earn the hospital a shit load of money.  I am sick of being obese. I can find no benefit of being so. I find that I even though I have worked very hard to find inner peace with myself, I cannot come to terms with my best friend telling me he likes me more than a friend. Why can’t I just accept it? Because I never knew that he liked me, even though he has said it a few times, I always thought he said things to make me feel good.  I find it hard to be around my friends who have recently lost weight and all they can do is talk about how disgusting they felt.  Fortunately, I don’t let that self-hate seep in.  But I do know that my thought processes when it comes to relationships are warped because of my fat. I always feel that people approach fat women from a perspective of what can I get out of her by using her need to be wanted?  If I eliminate that factor, I can no longer go down that path.

Ultimately, I am tired of being in pain all the time because I have a sciatic nerve that kills my back all the time. That I have a slip disc that tightens up, that my ankles swell, that I can’t indulge in my true passion for fashion, and the killer shoes that are in my closet because I can’t even bare to stand in them.  I no longer identify as a fat person. I feel that a lot of people identify themselves with exterior things and define themselves by that. For example, my mother defined herself as a smoker. Some people define themselves as a fat and state that they will always be fat. That is just not good enough for me.  I smoked. I liked to smoke a lot. But, I realized that I liked breathing a whole hell of a lot more.  I did not define myself as a smoker and I refuse to define myself a a fat girl any longer.

I do not like the feeling of being choked every time I put my seat belt on in my car.  I don’t like the feeling of wedging my fat thighs and ass into an office chair that feels like it’s going to break at any second. I do not like feeling that my stomach takes up my entire body and how it looks when I sit down. I do not like that I cannot bend comfortably when I wear jeans.  And I especially don’t like feeling invisible.  My blog has been a representation of who I am from the get go. I talk about my honest opinions about products I use and clothing I like and about my feelings of having excess fat on my body.  I talk about how I don’t like society’s message to us, and I can recognize how this seems like a contradiction.  Being fat is not like being gay in the sense that you cannot change being gay. You can be bisexual and attracted to both sexes, but you can’t be bi-fat. There is no swinging pendulum going from one to the other. Either you are fat or you are a natural weight for your body’s frame.

This past weekend I went to NYC for the feast San Gennaro. Naturally this is all about eating lol. What I did eat was about 5 deep fried oreos and a sausage and broccoli rabe wedge. The rest of it is about walking up and down the whole of Mulberry St. in Little Italy. I was sweating and exhausted by the time we got through with one half of the street and walking our way up through China town. It was the most uncomfortable I have felt in my own skin in a very very long time.  So now I just have to wait and see once my insurance kicks in and then I will start my journey down that path.

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I was really happy to see so many pretty tops in Dress Barn this month. Lots of romantic types of tops and tees. I love the glittery glammy types of tees because you don’t have to dress them up too much. They give jeans a little more something than just a plain tee. Don’t get me wrong, I love just a plain white boyfriend tee shirt but sometimes I know I just want a little more pizzaz haha. Hey any way that I can get plus size clothes that make me look pretty and not age me or make me look like I’m trying to be too young are just fine for me.

Next I went to Bath and Body Works and stocked up majorly on my actibacterial foamy soaps I love so much and they had very many new yummy scents, especially Mint Chocolate. Hands down my favorite scent to date. Although I cannot wait to be able to use the Sugar Lemon either.

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